Clumsy Solutions

For many years now, I’ve noticed something that I think is pretty interesting.

We all have similar problems.  Problems of love, death, loss, fears, mistakes, power, our bodies, work, school, relationships, resources, abuse, abandonment, depression, addiction, self worth and the like.  In one way or another, most of these touch all of our lives.  Our responses to them too, seem common between us- we all have “bad” feelings and “good” feelings associated with these experiences.

It appears to me, that we also have solutions in common.  But what’s strange about it, are the solutions themselves.  If we just look at the “problems” (for shorthand purposes) we have in our lives, and our response or “reaction” to them (or as I’m calling them here, “solutions”, though we may not see them as such in the moment), the way we deal with them from this perspective is tragically ineffective.

Here’s what I mean, more specifically.  The way I see us (and of course, have done myself in many cases), is that we respond to perceived problems with (in no particular order):

  1. Avoidance, procrastination.
  2. Using our limited human intellect, and our limited human will, coupled together as a salve we cover everything with.
  3. Drugs, alcohol, food, spending, money, property, prestige, gambling, etc. ad nauseum.
  4. “Codependent” behaviors (oversimplifying: doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves, so that we don’t have to feel bad for one reason or another).
  5. Lying (or, in addict nomenclature, “manipulating”… insert tongue-in-cheek emoticon here), often, when telling the truth would be easier.
  6. Perfectionism.
  7. Control.
  8. Enduring untenable circumstances or relationships.
  9. Isolation.
  10. Ruminating.
  11. Reasoning with “unreasonable” people, or in circumstances that may not always be subject to such (there’s a large philosophical question here that can’t be addressed in a blog, hope the spirit of the thing comes through…).
  12. Self obsession.
  13. Being critical.
  14. Thoughts or attempts of suicide or related self harm.
  15. Worrying (the behavior… not to be confused with being afraid- as John Bradshaw once opined, “Worrying is like beating the drums to keep the evil spirits away.”).
  16. Pride or ego.
  17. Lashing out verbally or physically.
  18. Intellectualizing…

Et cetera.  This is clearly a truncated list, but am hoping most of us can see our most frequent responses here.  What I’m hoping to get across (at the risk of reiteration) is that these are our responses to perceived problems, and arguably, when observed, appear to be solutions that we employ to a whole host of life’s difficulties.

More striking to me is what’s absent from the list:

  1. Emotional availability, disclosure, and the like.
  2. Asking for help (having a “responsibility partner”, other similar ideas).
  3. Responsibility.
  4. Having “boundaries”.
  5. Kindness.
  6. Critical thinking skills.
  7. Service focus on others.
  8. Writing (and preferably, sharing that writing with one or more people).
  9. Art (painting, sculpture, music, performances, poetry, etc).
  10. Honesty.
  11. Support groups, 12-step meetings, or other types of community.
  12. Amends.
  13. Mindfulness.
  14. Meditation.
  15. Diet, exercise, natural healthy sleep.
  16. Being self supporting through one’s own contributions mentally, emotionally, physically and “spiritually” (for lack of a better term).
  17. Acceptance.
  18. Therapy, counseling, coaching.
  19. Community, relationships.
  20. Intimacy.
  21. “Non intervention”, being still.
  22. Forgiveness, “letting go”, and other similar solutions.
  23. Gratitude…

Seems I’m laboring the point here (hopefully in a continued effort to be helpful).  Have long looked at my own old behavior (though it still shows up sometimes!), and of course the behavior of others, and as I see “problems” come up, inevitably, I see the first set of responses above.  Often, repeatedly and perpetually for the same problem and/or new ones.  Have also observed that these responses almost inevitably make things worse, or create new problems.

While the second set of ideas don’t always “solve” things (sometimes, when honest, simply in the shadow of our own limited perspective), when practiced, my experience is that we all start to feel better about things, and certainly act better.  Very rarely, do I see the second set of  ideas create or perpetuate more problems.  Making a practice of replacing our first responses in the first section with the ideas in the second section, has been life changing for me, and lots of my clients.  If the theme rings any bells for anyone, would love to hear/see other ideas.

Why Being a Therapist Is Better than Being a __________, at Least for Me.

When I was a kid and started thinking about what I was going to do as a “career”, I always knew I’d be a therapist or musician (as it turned out, was lucky enough to do both).  The reason is in part, growing up, I didn’t watch the usual TV shows- I was watching “The Twilight Zone”, “Kung Fu”, “Star Trek” (the original version), “M*A*S*H”.  What so intrigued me about the likes of Rod Serling, Kwai Chang Caine, James Tiberius Kirk and Benjamin “Hawkeye” Pierce was that they seemed to think there was “more” to the world, saw things others didn’t, and had deep passion.

In their wake, I tried to be “good” at lots of things.  Some of this came from feeling a deep sense of “not being enough”, and what still feels to me an unavoidable passion to do things That Matter.  The former almost killed me (as Sheldon Kopp said, “Why be perfect when you can be good enough?”), but the latter stays with me to this day… thankfully.

My first inpatient job while working on my Psychiatric Technician licensure (completed in 1988), I remember thinking how cool it was that all I needed to do my job was a black Bic medium point ball point pen, and my personhood.  In subsequent years, have come to a number of other awarenesses that have meant much to me.

It seems to me that it’s become a luxury for many of us to simply do what we would like to do, if we were to have our choice.  Many of us fall into what we do and begin to love it, maybe we do what our parents did, or simply honored a family business.  Lots of us do what we think we ought, or simply take on what feels best to serve and provide for our families.

All these are of course noble pursuits, but on the coattails of Rod Serling, Kwai Chang and Hawkeye, I have always felt compelled toward human service.  Famously, Lloyd Dobler (played by John Cusack in the film “Say Anything”) said, “I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.”  Some of this points to why I’ve resisted other careers (and, Lloyd and I also turned to martial arts… a totally different story).

Many of us serve ourselves, but are still unsatisfied.  We work at jobs we are unhappy about, sometimes with people we are unhappy with, sometimes for things we don’t really need.  In some cases, these pursuits relieve others of resources that might be used otherwise- resources like money of course, time, and all too infrequently mentioned… our attention.  Some of these efforts are unsustainable, and environmentally unsound.

Not as if therapy, counseling, psychiatry and etc don’t have their defects that are creating some problems.  Overdiagnosis, starting with interventions like medication when arguably not called for and/or lesser interventions haven’t been endeavored, pathologizing and symptomatizing everything (often even the most understandable and euthymic kinds of feelings/emotional experience), passivity on the part of the clinician and more create big and often lifelong difficulties as well.

It’s hard though for me not to see a poor relationship with ourselves, others, our sense of worth, depression, addictions (and “codependency”), anxieties and fears, and maybe a couple more as being the soul (and result) of much human suffering.  That also creates in my view, the suffering of other creatures.  In the shadow of this, helping us through these concerns, and providing a framework for others to operate on in a like way are at this point, the most useful thing I can think of doing.  At least a thing that I’m good at.  ;-p  That’s a quip about my “musicianship”.

It is of great import to me that I have a small footprint on the planet.  Deeply concerned about where humans are going mentally, emotionally, physically and “spiritually”, I can scarcely think of a way to be more useful.  Therapy is a practical way of putting philosophy into use.

Something that matters to me a lot in light of some of the above is that it’s a great way to create something that can be easily passed on by others.  An organized, simple (but unfortunately not terribly easy…) and principled way of behaving in the world that can be shared can create great change of course.  Doing clinical supervision, teaching, giving tools to parents, or simply doing work with people who are in a place to impact others are my favorite areas of focus, and seem to be the most practical way of passing on what we’re capable of.

In the digital age, I don’t even have to use my pen or paper as often.  I get to impact people deeply, and most of what it takes is just me being as healthy a person as possible, and my time/being deeply present.  It’s also something I should be capable of doing for a long time.  I get to share and experience different people, cultures.  Many types of work are possible- use of humor, sharing resources, sharing experiences, teaching, problem-solving, processing, consulting and more.

Gratefully, all these years later, I could scarcely think of doing anything else, and still feel deeply committed to The Work.  The “how’s” and “why’s” of avoiding what some call “burnout” are an entirely different thing to write about.  Point is though, I’m so, so lucky I get to do something that I still feel so deeply passionate about, and doesn’t violate any of Lloyd’s principles.

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Clinical Supervision: A New Intern!

One of the better ways I think I can be of use to the community is by training other therapists and interns.  Have now hired and am doing clinical supervision with a new Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, Sarah Wood, MS, MFTI (#66300).

Am really happy about getting to do this.  With the Partners in Recovery program for interns sunsetting at the end of the last school semester, there’s been less opportunity to get to work with folk that way.  Am double excited about getting to do so with Sarah, because she’s already great at what she does, and really has a taste for The Work.

She comes on the recommendation of one of our last interns, Melissa Lamoureux, who was also at Partners in Recovery.  Sarah did her graduate work at the amazing program at Cal State Fullerton.  She’s done a lot of great work in the community already, specializing in therapy with children, trauma services for all ages, eating disorders/other addictions and more.

I feel like it’s a stroke of luck to get to work with her, am happy to get to recommend her services.  Please go by her website and learn more about Sarah at sarahwoodtherapy.com.  Welcome Sarah!

One Less Supervisee.

Yes!  As of today, I have one less supervisee… Brendan Thyne passed the second section of his licensing exam!  He has always been a fantastic therapist, and this is a great thing to happen for everyone, patients and colleagues alike.  Brendan Thyne, LMFT.  Nicely done Bren… you rock, and can’t say enough about who you are and the work you do.

Recognition for Partners in Recovery

Last Monday (9-26-11), Judy McGehee MFT, Melissa Lamoureux MS, Erika Gayoso MA, Ted Aaselund PsyD, Michael Cardenas, Jeffrey Craig, Jessica Wilson, Elvia Cortes MA and myself were recognized by the board of the Glendora Unified School District at their monthly meeting.  Formally, the agency is called “Partners in Recovery”, a nonprofit organization of clinicians providing services in Glendora and surrounding communities.

Judy, and I have been providing clinical supervision (a necessary component for grads and soon-to-be grads to get their “hours of experience” to sit for licensure as therapists or social workers) for the above mentioned interns and trainees.  Trainees are obtaining hours to graduate with their Masters degrees, interns are working on their hours (3000 hours of service over 104 weeks) to sit for the licensing examination with the Board of Behavioral Sciences.  In turn, the supervisees (the ones above and others from previous years) have provided thousands of hours of free services to the Glendora Unified School district, from elementary thru high school.  The supervisees from Partners have been assisting with issues of depression, abuse, family discord, eating disorders, suicide, addiction, grief and loss, bullying, self esteem, anxiety problems and more.

The program has been running since 2009 with Judy at the helm, and will continue at least through this year.  Judy, Ted, and the interns/trainees are all highly skilled clinicians.  It is a fantastic way for people to get services that might not have otherwise.  Nicely done everybody.

New Office Space

Have to start here with some gratitude. As many of you know, The Work is really a mission of sorts for me- trying to put myself out of a job so to speak. So many have been so kind and encouraging about my work. Clients, colleagues, friends. It’s really important to me to have a clearsighted and organized way of being a partner with people in eliminating suffering, having principles… preferably both.

Left doing inpatient full time in April, in favor of doing private practice full time. The folk above (and more) have responded by sending a lot of folk my way to do service with/for. As a result, my longtime office space with Brendan Thyne MA, and his dad Rick Thyne MFT (Patrick Thyne and Associates) became too small (time wise) to accommodate my clients.

Noting this because getting a new space wasn’t just a task- it is a loss in a lot of ways. Brendan and Rick are relatives (of choice and affiliation)- and fantastic therapists. The space across the street from Pasadena City Hall has been beautiful, and I really enjoy the surroundings. Between losing the familial contact and the space, is a big deal.

That said though, have found a fantastic space to do The Work in. Am hoping that it will bring an energy and space that can be filled with whatever it is that people need. Want to send some appreciation specifically for Yvonne, my dad, Judy McGehee LMFT, Erika Gayoso/Michael Cardenas/Ted Aaselund and Elvia Cortes. Also appreciation to Jeff Boxer Esq, David Wolf, Ed Wilson PhD, Sue Stauffer, Barbara Waldman PhD, Barbara O’Connor MFT, Tricia Hill, of course Lali and Sadie. A special note for my clients though- you all continue to humble me deeply, and have been fantastic supporters of my work.

Here’s a pic of the new space- near the end of the 110, the 134/210. New address is 547 S. Marengo Ave, Pasadena, 91101:

Love and Service.

Thanks for dropping by my blog page.  As the introduction notes, I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Psychiatric Technician, and Masters level Addictions Counselor in Pasadena, California.  Though I’ve been doing some private practice for many years in addition to the twenty-six I’ve been doing inpatient work, I’ve now gone out on my own, to do just private practice.
            Providing treatment is my life’s work.  Having not just survived, but also (somewhat) gracefully dealt with some suffering of my own, I have been given not just some answers- but with those answers, also responsibility to others.  Holding on to those responsibilities is not only bad for other people, it would be unhealthy for me too.  So, very early, I started being of service.
            Having worked inpatient for so many years, I’ve been lucky (and saddened) to take care of most every type of human suffering possible.  Most of my work has been with adults and adolescents.  Depression, loss, grief, addiction, trauma, abuse, stress, mental illness (for lack of a more graceful term), relationships, desires (and need) for personal growth or “life coaching”, chronic pain, medical illnesses, family problems, couples problems and more have all been tragically present and have arguably increased over the years I’ve provided service.  There is much work to be done about all of these things and more.  It seems now that the most effective way to care for these problems is for me to see individuals, families, and couples privately.
            It was suggested by someone I consider wise that I find a way to make myself available to people when they are not able to be around me.  Aside from writing a book, providing materials from talks I do in the community, I am starting a blog.  There is much work to be done, and many answers are possible that can improve the quality of all our lives, if we’re willing to live by some principles and do some work.  My hope is that I can take you along with me as I do so, by way of communicating here.
            And so to it.

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Available Tuesday through Saturday

626-676-0541
Hours vary, depending on the day.
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