Sheldon Kopp

You may remember being a kid, and having someone suggest you write an essay about the person who influenced you most.  With the exception of a musician or two, the person that is likely that for me is Sheldon Kopp.  I was given his most famous book “If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! The Pilgrimage of Psychotherapy Patients” by my then “mentor”, when I was 17.  It’s really a book about principles, an organized way to live our lives and deal with Things As They Are.

He’s written something in the way of 18 books, died a while ago not of the brain tumor he had (that required removal 3 times), but of heart failure and pneumonia.  Having heard a rumor about his death, I looked him up on the internet once, and sent an email to a similarly named person, hoping I might find him or learn of his passing.  Essentially my note stated that this was a person who had been extremely influential and helpful in my life, and I wanted to know if it might be him.  I was lucky enough to get a response, that made it clear it was actually him: “Yes Petar, I too have heard rumors of my untimely demise, but I find them unconvincing.”

In “Buddha”, as became customary in many of his books, at the end was included ideas that he considered truths, or principles.  This was the most famous of them, called, “An Eschatological Laundry List: a Partial List of 927 (or was it 928?) Eternal Truths.”  Many of the ideas here have guided me in everything from my own emotional and “spiritual” work, work with my clients.  People that have suffered all of the things here that I’m trying to diminish for as many people as possible- depression, stress, relationship issues, abuse, loss and grief, addiction, self esteem issues and the like.  Hopefully, they will give you as much as they’ve given me, inspire you to read his books, and of the greatest importance: give you a ways and means of passing the ideas on to others.  Would love to hear what you think of them.  And to the “Truths”…

1. This is it!
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can’t get there from here, and besides there’s no place else to go.
4. We are all already dying, and we will be dead for a long time.
5. Nothing lasts.
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can’t have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune.
11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.
13. You don’t really control anything.
14. You can’t make anyone love you.
15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
17. There are no great men.
18. If you have a hero, look again: you have diminished yourself in some way.
19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself).
20. All evil is potential vitality in need of transformation.
21. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it.
22. Progress is an illusion.
23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems.
24. Yet it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solution.
25. Childhood is a nightmare.
26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of -yourself -cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.
27. Each of us is ultimately alone.
28. The most important things, each man must do for himself.
29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that’s all there is.
31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.
32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge.
33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.
34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.
35. No excuses will be accepted.
36. You can run, but you can’t hide.
37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats.
38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
39. The only victory lies in surrender to oneself.
40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.
41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only to face the consequences.
42. What do you know . . . for sure . . . anyway?
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again. . . .

Who’s To Blame?

Much of my time is spent here, and in my therapy/counseling practice, attempting to get folk to honor how they feel.  That’s an oversimplification, but will leave it for brevity’s sake.  This is a daunting task because of the intensity and availability of our distractions, but I keep trying anyway.

One of the things that oft keeps this from happening is that when someone “hurts” us (shames, takes something away, etc), we find ourselves (understandably) making sense out of why they’d do such a thing.  We think more about the person in question “doing their best”, “having had a hard time” etc than we ever do simply saying “Ouch, that hurt…”, or some variation on that theme.  It’s safe to say that many of us, often don’t honor how it affected us at all.  Working on problems of low self esteem, depression, addiction, abuse and more we don’t want to “blame” anyone (nor should we), and oft go so far as to think our therapists are prompting us to “blame” that person, our parents, etc.

As for my sense of this, I think we could safely remove the word from our vocabulary entirely.  Maybe even replace it with considerations of “responsibility”.  In terms of a solution, will offer something I hope is very simple: we’re only blaming someone else for our feelings or problems, if we do nothingwith our feelings about it.

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